god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
