Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
