Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
