smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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