just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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