do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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