Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
