I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
