are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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