Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sorry my hands just texted you
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
