so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
