I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
