i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
