I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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