i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
