It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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