I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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