Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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