mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
