I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
