I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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