dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
