Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
