theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
