Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
