i was born a porn star she said
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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