dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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