im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
