Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
