fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
