Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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