There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
