I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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