I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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