The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
