Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
