i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
