I CAN MOONWALK!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
