If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
