Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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