haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
