i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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