So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
