i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
