I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
