Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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