Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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