Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
