I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I need to stop coming to work sober
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
