She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
