peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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