nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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