I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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