I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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