yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
