after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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