I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
