it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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