my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
