I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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