So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
