okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize