Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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