Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
