I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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