tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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