What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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