god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
